Jeff, the A.D.D. Chef

When I look through this site’s web statistics I examine the list of search terms used to find this site. Reading the list as if the search terms were a set of questions, I’ve found that there are three different types of “questions” that people ask. There are simple ones like “recipe chicken marsala” and some not so simple ones like “recipe for beef bourguignon for 20 people” Then there are the offbeat ones. Some of them are reproduced below. Though it is unlikely that these googlers¹ found the answers they were looking for, if they should search one more time hopefully the search engines will bring them here for the answers.

• “How do chefs rinse their chicken?” Ans: They hold the chicken by its feet, place it under the faucet and then run the water over the chicken. They continue rinsing until the feathers are free of all shampoo and conditioner.
• “Can you freeze chicken francese?” Ans: Yes you can. However it tastes much better when it is warm.
• “Is chicken good for growing vegetables?” Ans: No. They usually forget to water them each day.
• “Pastina hot dogs?” Ans: I don’t want to know what you are cooking and please don’t invite me for dinner.
• “How long will undercooked chicken take t?” Ans: Unfortunately, I do not know what the final words were to this question. I can only guess. I will assume that the full search phrase was “How long will undercooked chicken take to kill my lazy husband?” While I do not have a definitive answer to this I do recommend ignoring all signs of salmonella and, instead, tell your husband that he may just have the flu.
• “Why do you pound chicken breasts?” Ans: It’s the only way to get them to listen.²
• “Prosciutto ‘gone bad’?” Ans: Yes, it’s true. Despite all the money that’s been spent, none of it addresses the issues faced by adolescent prosciutto.²

1. Someone who uses search engines, like Google [↩]
2. Added on Oct. 19, 2007 [↩]

There’s nothing more frustrating to the A.D.D. Chef than to run out of an ingredient while in the midst of a cooking frenzy. Second in frustration level is when someone has rearranged the items in the pantry. During one of my cooking frenzies I went into my pantry to look for olive oil. Finding that it was not in its usual spot I exploded in anger. Turns out some fool had moved it from the pantry onto the kitchen counter without telling me. You know the punch line, right? That fool was me.

While I can’t stop myself from rearranging items I can, at least, make sure I don’t run out of items. Here’s my short list of items that I keep in stock. Though there are plenty of other ingredients that I use when cooking, these are the items I reach for most often.

1. Kosher Salt (see Brine Your Chops. And just a few pinches sprinkled on a nice shell steak and then grilled…heaven).
2. Table Salt (the companion to your french fries).
3. Black Pepper (add a little bit to the shell steak after the “kosher salt” treatment).
4. Sugar (sometimes you just gotta have some).
5. Brown Sugar (mix this with Dijon Mustard and you’ve got a great glaze for baked ham).
6. Cinnamon (great in your chocolate zucchini bread).
7. Garlic Salt (use it on your Oven Stuffer).
8. Minced Onion (I add it to my Swedish Meatballs and home-made hamburgers).
9. Crushed Red Pepper (when you need to add some kick).
10. Dijon Mustard (see “Brown Sugar” above).
11. Worcestershire Sauce (goes in the Swedish Meatballs and hamburgers).
12. Dried Chillies (Dry red chillies often end up in my Chinese food. You get the wok real hot, add the oil and when the oil ripples from the heat you add the chillies. When they turn black (takes about 30 seconds or so) you’ll smell the “heat” and the oil will be infused with spice. FYI: they are very easy to grow. See: TheChilliKing).
13. Hot Chili Oil (add to tomato sauce especially if that sauce is being used to cook up fresh mussels).
14. Srirachi Hot Chili Sauce (use sparingly).
15. Chopped Garlic (used in so many dishes).
16. Chicken Broth (keep about ten cans around…it becomes the basis for so many things).
17. Oils - Olive Oil, Vegetable Oil.
18. Lemon Juice (the sine qua non of Chicken Francese … and don’t forget a splash of it in the Banana Chocolate Turnovers).
19. Plain Bread Crumbs
20. All-Purpose Flour
21. Grated Cheese (parmigiano reggiano)

[edited on Oct. 14. 2007]

The answer lies just a mouse click away.

Additional information, including images of various cuts of meat, can be found here: Cook’s Thesaurus.